Introduction:
Psychologists suggest that we are driven by two connected motivations:
to feel pleasure and avoid pain. Most of us devote more energy to the latter
than the former. Instead of being proactive and making choices for
our happiness, we react to things that happen in our
lives, and fight or flee to minimize our pain. Instead of deciding to end an
unhealthy relationship and open up to a better one, we may stay and either
avoid confrontation or initiate one to feel a sense of
control.
The Real Gist:
At
some point we all get involved in a serious relationship, be it falling in love
with a significant other, or simply establishing an amazingly close
friendship. As soon as this relationship is in place, both parties must
do their part to nurture it. When they fail to do so, harmony is
gradually replaced with suffering.
Although
I sincerely hope your closest relationships are not suffering, if you have
found yourself in this kind of predicament (as we all do sometimes), chances
are, that the problem can be traced back to one or a few causes. If your
relationships are all rainbows and butterflies right now, consider yourself
lucky – this list will simply provide some good food for thought as how to guard
ones heart:
1. Presumed expectations about
how someone “should be.”
You
don’t love and appreciate someone because they are perfect, you love and
appreciate them in spite of the fact that they are not. “Perfection” is a
deadly fantasy – something none of us will ever be. So beware of your
tendency to “fix” someone when they are NOT broken. They are perfectly
imperfect, just the way they should be.
Truthfully,
the less you expect from someone you care about, the happier your relationship
with them will be. No one in your life will act exactly as you hope or
expect them to, ever. They are not YOU – they will not love, give,
understand or respond like you do.
The
biggest disappointments in life and in relationships are the result of
misplaced expectations. Tempering unrealistic expectations of how
something or someone “should be” will greatly reduce
unnecessary frustration and suffering.
2. Searching for the missing
pieces of YOU in someone else.
When
we’re feeling incomplete, we tend to go out looking for somebody else to
complete us. Initially we meet someone who is presumed compatible with us
and they distract us from our deficiency, at least for a while. Then a
few months or years into the relationship, we find that we’re still feeling
incomplete, so we blame our friend or lover. It feels like they have
changed, but in reality they haven’t; they’ve just become less of a distraction
to our own growing, inner void.
Ultimately
what you need to realize is that while a close friend or lover can add beautiful
dimensions to your life, YOU are responsible for your own fulfillment. Only you
can complete yourself. Nobody else can provide your missing pieces, and
to believe otherwise is to succumb to a lifetime of feeling broken, as every
relationship you enter eventually ends in hopeless disappointment.
3. Poor communication.
Perhaps
there is something that really bothers you about your friend or lover.
Why aren’t you saying something? Are you afraid they will get
upset? Maybe they will and maybe they won’t. Either way you need to
deal with it upfront, constructively, and avoid burying it until it worsens,
festers and explodes out of you.
Great
communication is the cornerstone of a great relationship. If you have
resentment, you must talk it out rather than let the resentment grow. If you
are feeling jealous about anything, you must communicate in an open and honest
manner to address your insecurities. If you have expectations of your
friend or lover, you must communicate them clearly. If there are any
problems whatsoever, you must get them out of your head and into the open so
they can be worked out.
Information
is the grease that keeps the engine of communication running. Always give
the important people in your life the information they need to understand
you. And communicate more than just problems – communicate the good
things too. Share what you love about your friend or lover. Share
what is going on in your mind and heart. Share your deepest thoughts,
needs, wishes, hopes and dreams.
4. Little lies that add up.
Anything
is better than lies. They are like a cancer in the heart and soul.
They eat away what is good and leave only decay and devastation behind.
If you spend your life learning to lie to the people around you, not only will
you hurt and deceive them, you will also hurt and deceive yourself – you will
forget your own truth.
There
is perhaps no phenomenon that is more destructive to a relationship than
dishonesty, which permits envy, hate and deception to be acted out under the
guise of love and virtue. Even the smallest, seemingly innocent lies
eventually snowball into larger issues. Stand by the whole truth – your
truth – always. If you say you are going to do something, DO
IT! If you say you are going to be somewhere, BE
THERE! If you say you feel something, MEAN IT! If you
can’t, won’t and don’t, then DON’T LIE.
It’s
always better to tell the whole truth up front. Don’t play games with the
minds and hearts of others. Don’t tell half-truths and expect your
friends or lover to trust you when the full truth comes out; half-truths
are no better than lies. Remember, love and friendship don’t
hurt. Lying, cheating and messing with people’s feelings and emotions
hurts. Honesty is the healing remedy.
5. Lack of presence.
Presence
is complete awareness, or paying full attention to “the now.” If you
do not find at least some amount of presence in the moments you share with
those you care about, it is impossible to listen, speak, or otherwise connect
with them on a meaningful level.
Presence is
looking inward and learning how to be with yourself.
Bottom
line: Be Present. Give the people you care about your full
attention. Let them see that they are own beauty in your eyes. Let
them find their own voice through your listening ears. Help them discover
their own greatness in your presence.
6. Some relationships aren’t meant
to last.
There
are certain people who aren’t meant to fit into your life in the long-term no
matter how much you want them to. They pass through your life in a
shorter time frame than you had hoped, to teach you things they never could
have taught you if they stayed.
So
many people think friends or lovers have to be the perfect fit, because that is
what everyone tells you to want. Of course, it’s nice when relationships
stay healthy and last, but that doesn’t mean your failed relationships are not
equally as important. Some people you engage with will be like a mirror –
people who show you things that are holding you back, people who show you the
ways that don’t work, people who bring your insecurities and
misjudgments to your own attention so you can change your life.
It’s
these people – the ones who come into your life for a short time and teach you
a priceless lesson – that are some of the most important people you will ever
meet, because they tear down your walls and spank you until you are wide awake.
Do
you want to live with these people in your life forever? No way – that
would be way too painful! They come into your life to shake you up, tear
apart your ego, flip your perspective, show you your obstacles, break your
heart and mind open so new rays of light can shine in, just to reveal another
layer of YOU to yourself, and then they move on like they’re supposed to. Take
their lessons as gifts and be sure you move on too.
Why MUST the heart be handled
with CARE?
This is why,
I think, as youths we must be diligent to guard our hearts. King Solomon said
it best: “Above all else, guard your
heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Prov. 4:23).
This is necessary for at
least three reasons:
- Because your heart is
extremely valuable. We don’t guard worthless
things. I take my rubbish to the street every 2
days and always at night. It is picked up on morning. It sits on the dump
site all night, completely unguarded. Why? Because it is worthless, but not
so with your heart. It is the essence of who you are. It is your authentic
self—the core of your being. It is where all your
dreams, your desires, and your passions live. It is that part of you that
connects with God and other people.
Just like your physical
body, if your heart—your spiritual heart—dies, your very being dies. This is
why Solomon says, “Above all else.” He didn’t say, “If you get around to it”
or “It
would be nice if.” No, he says, make it your top priority.
- Because your heart is
the source of everything you do. King Solomon
says it is the “wellspring of life.” In other words, it is the source of
everything else in your life. Your heart overflows into thoughts, words,
and actions.
If
you plug up the spring, you stop the flow of water. If you poison the water, the
flow becomes toxic. In either situation, you threaten life downstream.
Everything depends on the condition of the spring. Likewise, if your heart is
unhealthy, it has an impact on everything else. It threatens your family, your
friends, your ministry, your career, and, indeed, your legacy. It is,
therefore, imperative that you guard it.
- Because your heart is
under constant attack. When Solomon says to guard
your heart, he implies that you are living in a combat zone—one
in which there are casualties.
Many
of us are oblivious to the reality of this war. We have an enemy who is bent on
our destruction. He not only opposes God, but he opposes everything that is
aligned with Him—including us.
The
Enemy uses all kinds of weapons to attack our heart. For me, these attacks
often come in the form of some circumstance that leads to disappointment,
discouragement, or even disillusionment. In these situations, I am tempted to
quit—to walk off the field and surrender.
The Ending Phase:
Romans 12:2
"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the
renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God,
what is good and acceptable and perfect. "
Psalm 73:26
"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my
heart and my portion forever."